I am not sure I have ever voiced this - but the beginnings have always terrified me; endings, not so much. I suppose I have always figured that endings are inevitable - usually sad, but inevitable, just the same. Obviously, the only way to avoid an ending is to avoid the beginnings.. thus my fear of starting things and probably the root of all my procrastination.
Being afraid of beginnings makes things like an impending January very uncomfortable.. and I just realized that at this time last year, I was a nervous wreck. Turns out (surprise!) it was all for naught.
This year has been better than any I could have asked for:
I got to marry my best friend. In a perfect, very 'us' wedding - that was everything I had no idea I had always dreamed of. My family came together for the first time I can remember for me and was happy, simply because I was happy. People I hadn't seen in years came from across the country because they love me and my family and wanted to be a part of my life.
And then.. everyone went home and the 'good' didn't go away. I fall in love with my husband everyday, all over again. Who knew just being happy would be easy? No wonder I hadn't gotten it right yet - 'easy' never came easy to me.
Our baby boy, Jack, was born on November 26th; sealing a several-year-long relationship between me and that date that was ready to be laid to rest. 11/26 has been a very personal and private day of mourning for me for almost a decade; now it has a strong, amazing little life attached to it - and God gave me that. Amazingly, I feel free. I remain in awe of this everyday and thank God every morning for pulling me through to the 'free' side - the answer all along was so simple, yet seemed so out of reach - now it all seems so obvious. 'Healing' finally feels good.
We built a beautiful family. 'We' now consist of a family of seven. Something else I always wanted - but never thought I would have. We are J.D., Sherri, Billy, Trevor, Veronica, Bella and Jack. Seven pieces of a puzzle that finally feels complete.
So I've decided that I won; and that beginnings are just not going to be scary anymore.
I say - Bring it On. I am ready to see what the New Year will bring us. Goods and bads, ups and downs, sick kids and healthy ones, happy and sad days, gains and losses (big and small), bumped and bonked heads, first words and first anniversaries, I'm ready - bring it on.
